xxaikizzlexx on Xanga

xxaikizzlexx
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Eika Birthday: 8/3/1991 Gender: Female Interests: friends, music, drawing, singing, dancing, lacrosse, soccer, instruments, fashion... etc. Expertise: making words sound funny... haha. xP Occupation: bc, student, WAIT... Message: message me AIM: aiai no wonder MSN: eikafarah@hotmail.com Member Since: 7/18/2006

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

its been years since i've been to this site. but a recent xanga notification email reminded me of this. how random. but i have been thinking a lot so i thought i could write some shit & get it off my mind before finals.

eh so... my head hurts right now. all i've done today was thinking. havent studied at all for finals, which is on friday. fuckin awesome.

i guess i'll start with the party on saturday. it was ok; kinda boring.... i was excluding myself cuz chris was there & i realized this and i felt bad too. but wat could i do? with chris being so clingy..... maybe i shouldn't bring him along to parties anymore. or when i want some girl time.
this year has been so shitty. i hate the "TRUE FRIENDS" SHIT. some of my friends say "i have found my true friends" and it makes me wonder, "am i ur friend?" b/c ur a friend to me. its been so hard to see you because we dont have any classes together. i wanted so much to see you and hang out with you again. go to the park or just talk about nothing. i dont care; i just want to be with you or even see ur smile again because that's wat made me happy. really, i've been depressed b/c of this. & i tried several times to tell you this, but i feel like it hasnt gotten to you... or maybe you just dont care. it really hurts. this really hurts me. i dont want to let go of wat we had b/c it was so great. it was the first time i felt ALIVE. i felt i belonged somewhere & i truly did not give a crap of wat anyone else would say. i miss that. i miss us.
chris, merry, and emily were my only friends this year. since chris & merry are both in one class with me, and emily in another... that makes two classes where i had actually had friends in. and it didnt help that emily would put me down sometimes...and about the things that mean the most to me too.

on sunday i went to church & i talked to soin. it was a really good talk. the way she connected with me reminded me of something that happened last year in sunday school. i forget the details, but we had to fill out this paper and then share it with the person sitting next to us. tamarou (i think that's her name... i dont even remember anymore, but her last name is geller) was sitting next to me. the only part of the paper that i do remember was ur life's motto & i put down "life sucks" anyway, since we arent friends it was kinda like, ok here's wats on my paper, let's just read it fast so i dont have to talk to you anymore. later that day, tamarou, karisa and a couple others were in the bathroom talking about me.. my sister was in the bathroom too & happened to overhear somethings that they said. they said several things, but the thing that struck me most was that they said that i've changed. i found that funny just because they've never even known me. how could they say i've changed? how the hell would they know? they've never talked to me before. although i have changed, it was a very gradual change. they wouldnt even know HOW the fuck i've changed. and its kinda funny too. they've effected me & who i've become, not by wat they've done to me but wat they havent done. all my primary years, when i needed a friend the most; she never was. no one was. so then is it really surprising that i would turn out like this? bitter, cold & confused? it seems to make sense to me. but she wont & never will realize this. neither will anyone. i guess people really were fooled by the fake smile i carried all these years covering nothing but broken fragments of my heart; fake smile or crying face, no one seems to care about anyone else but themselves in this world. its only about themselves & their own problems. a harsh reality, which makes life not worth living anymore.

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